Benjamin Franklin once famously said: “there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes.” But unfortunately for Benjamin, he didn’t get to experience a British uni in 2017. So he can be forgiven for not recognising the third and most important certainty, which is that in life, you’ll only meet ten types of fresher girls.
THE COOL GIRL
Everyone knows the cool girl and the cool girl knows everyone. She’s really chilled, often spotted alone, swaying from side to side at a techno night whilst gripping a can of Red Stripe.
Her favourite past-time is posting in The Identification of Music Facebook Group, to find that song from last night’s set. Boys see her as one of them and the girls want to be her. Oh and also, she knew how to roll before she came to uni.
THE MUM
The group admin. The one on speed dial for when things go wrong. The shoulder to cry on. The organiser. The one that holds your hair back when you’re throwing up on the street. The one that ALWAYS has spare tampons in her bag.
The mum of the group is seriously taken for granted. On a night out, she’ll be looking out for the whole squad and won’t enjoy herself until everyone else does. And she’ll make you tea in the morning.
THE HOE
Although she’s swiped through the whole of your uni twice, the hoe is always on the lookout for new victims. She’s a fuckgirl through and through, treating all of the fuckboys the way they deserve to be. It’s guaranteed that she will savagely rate her sexual conquests to her flat the morning after, and have a tally of all the people she’s slept with above her bed.
Her night is a failure unless she’s pulled. Disappearing at midnight, you’ll find her in the corner of the club with a random guy, while she desperately mouths: “Have I got with him before?”
THE HERMIT
The collection of mouldy dishes stacked on the desk will sometimes force The Hermit out of her room, and she’ll have to actually socialise with people. Always carrying an empty mug with a saggy teabag at the bottom, you’ll see her once a week – max.
A rare appearance will be made for someone’s birthday pres, but even then, she’ll be sitting there in her pyjamas. Her online presence however, tells a different story. But seriously, where is she? Is she okay? Does she have another family? Is she selling drugs? Does she live another life?
THE NORTHERN GAL
The Northern gal is really approachable and will be everyone’s best friend by the end of Freshers’ week. Living for the BNO, she’ll bring ALL the Blossom Hill Roses and WKDs to pres, because a messy night out on the cheap is her forte.
You won’t see her in a coat unless it’s snowing. And at the end of a night, she rushes to the kebab shop to get her daily serving of chips and gravy. In the queue she’ll argue with strangers because IT’S NOT A ROLL, BUT. A. BARM. CAKE.
THE ONE WITH THE BOYFRIEND
The one with the boyfriend will never stop going on about her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is her entire world. She’s not at uni on the weekends because she’s either travelling to see him or is holed up in her room Facetiming her one true love.
Asking her about how they met may be one of the biggest regrets of your time at uni, because you’ll be stuck. there. for. hours.
Her social media is even worse though. Three quarters of her Instagram consist of pictures of him, while the rest are ones he took of her, lol.
THE POSH ONE
Hattie will get an Ocado delivery as everyone else goes to their local Morrison’s. She doesn’t need any new friends, seeing as all of her girlies are at the daten met bicupid same uni. And as if being the Lacrosse captain wasn’t enough, she’ll join the rowing club just to date all of the fit boys there.
Her going out preferences are quite mainstream, but she’d much rather have ‘drinks with the girls.’ Hattie doesn’t get the uni locals, she’s just there for the “uni experience.” And she most certainly doesn’t understand the purpose of student loans or why people moan about them.
THE BOOKWORM
She’s the girl everyone’s parents wanted them to be at uni, but alas, how we disappointed them. The Bookworm actually read the reading list before the introductory seminars and she’s so keen, you might mistake her for the tutor.
Spending all her time in the library has earned her a designated spot on floor three. Her biggest worries include not doing the seminar reading, missing 9ams and getting anything below 65 per cent on an essay.
THE WOO GIRL
The Woo Girl doesn’t really get “house music.” She only gets prosecco. Her life revolves around her social media presence and everything is alright as long as her highlighter is on fleek.
THE FREE SPIRIT
Olivia is very middle class but really doesn’t want you to know it. Her clothes are exclusively vintage because she needs to maintain her negative carbon footprint. She has healing crystals in her room and a mandala hanging on the wall from her travels.
Convinced that a vegan, gluten-free diet is the only way forward because you know, “bad chemicals”, she’ll smoke rollies at every opportunity.